Prophylactic paradox

(Sounds a little more spiritual than "condom conundrum" I suppose.)

I have boundary issues. Admitting that helps me deal with it
constructively. The church I pastor is a fairly tight-knit community
of about 150 people. My family has attended this church for more than
20 years and it is the only congregation my kids have ever known.
These people are our friends, our extended ohana, and our support
system. Coming up through the ranks from layman, to Associate Pastor,
to Senior Pastor and District Overseer I have felt it necessary to
reinvent myself more than once. As the titles and roles change, the
relationships inevitably shift and change, too.

For the past five years we have lived in the church parsonage...
small but adequate housing provided by the church, located on the
church property. "On the church property" is not really accurate.
Because of the way this facility has grown and evolved, often without
a master plan, the church, office and parsonage are interconnected.
The front door of our residence is accessed by going THROUGH the
outer office! That leads to a lack of family privacy and a sense of
living in the fishbowl, on display at all times. If there's any kind
of meeting or activity going on in the office and we come home with
bags from WalMart we feel that people are checking out our purchases
as we walk past. As you might imagine, there are few secrets here and
it can be stressful being on display as the model family at all times.

Hence the title -- Prophylactic paradox (or condom conundrum).

Prophylactics are designed to encourage and facilitate intimacy,
while they prevent the kind of real physical contact that is the
intimate ideal. They are a barrier that consumers of the product
accept as an acceptable trade-off -- in exchange for the 'benefits'
of the barrier, they are able to achieve a measure of intimacy,
albeit incomplete. (I am getting there... stay with me.)

What we have tried to nurture is a kind of prophylactic intimacy
among our church family. We want to be close, but need a barrier to
preserve our own family life and privacy. It is a tightrope. Let that
barrier become too thick, too obvious, and the warmth and intimacy we
need to be effective is lost. Remove the barrier, and intimacy can be
dangerous. In practical terms, how do we keep our home as open as it
would be if we lived elsewhere, while keeping a workable boundary to
preserve our family life? How do we invite in those who have been
long-time friends and make them part of our life, while not allowing
our home to be simply an extension of the church facility?

A word to church boards everywhere. Do yourselves and your Pastor a
favor. When planning to provide a home for your Pastor, do NOT make
it on the church property. Give that Pastor's family the distance and
privacy you enjoy in your home, and you will be rewarded with better
leadership.